IT’S NOT JUST ANY CUMMINGS IT’S SHORT CUMMINGS : The kingdoms of Cornwall and Londinium are said to be up in arms today after details of Boris Johnson’s desperate last ditch effort to get a Brexit deal began to leak.
“The only tiny road into Cornwall that Westminster has ever seen fit to build was clogged with protesting Cornish today as the people began a march on Westminster,” our SW Correspondent reports, “those black flags with the white crosses that baffle the people of Surrey visiting their second homes to check if the last AirBnb client left it in good order were seen waving in union as the advance got underway.”
The motivation for the march to the capital appears to be the fact that Mr Johnson has not offered Cornwall on a slab to the EU, while seeing fit to offer up three of the other four nations that used to comprise the United Kingdom.
But it’s not just the Cornish that are upset not to have been included in a hastily redesigned Irish backstop. London is also said to be turning out on the street in a number that even Priti Patel May struggle to contain.
“So too Bristol, Sunderland and Birmingham, York and Salisbury,” our roaming reporter adds, “it seems more than an overwhelming majority of the deteriorating UK are not best pleased to find they will be left behind ruled by the Eton Mess should Mr Johnson agree a deal. And should Parliament be daft enough to pass it.”
There are suggestions that the disparate regions should just declare independence and then offer to form a federation with the top infrequently mentioned people of Gibraltar and the Falklands.
“It’s touch and go if the additional land masses will be enough to get the so far stubborn EU to back down and accept even more UK treasure than already. The automotive, pharmaceutical, aerospace, fintech and fishing sectors have already been forced over by a determined British negotiating team, following the lead set by Brexit Allstar David Davis.
“Although the health and social care sectors have been reserved to flog off to the US post Brexit.”
Whether or not the EU will be weak enough to take everything the Tories force upon them to achieve the aim of making what’s left of the UK isolated, second class European citizens remains to be seen.
“It’s an amazing project Brexit,” our reporter adds, “years of toil, billions in treasure, civil harmony and international reputation all determinedly sacrificed just to be weaker, and with less rights, but to keep some biffers and old Etonians happy.”
It’s a wonder no one has ever tried it before now.