UK and EU close to agreeing how hard UK should punch itself in the nuts

CAN YOU FEEL IT : The world watches, mildly distracted by Donald Trump’s letters of insanity, as the sun sets on the English Empire with Little Englanders jumping up and down upon it.

The EU watches, increasingly nonplussed and baffled, as a small clique of UK politicians decide what best serves the bloodthirsty God of Brexit.

What was best for Brexit God yesterday may differ from what is best for Brexit God today. No one else has any say.

Brexit God is an angry God.

Brexit God is a changeable God.

Brexit God is a false idol.

To find out more, we spoke to one of the worshippers.

“Look, we just walk into that room in Brussels and make a little fist,” Littlest Brexit Corporal Francois cries, “shake it really hard in Barnier’s face and then punch ourselves in the knackers! They’ll see what they’re dealing with! We will be an independent country again! Free to punch itself in the balls whenever we like! Till we’re black and blue! We’re the English! We won in 1066 against the Norwegian German axis! We’re exceptional!”

He’s a believer.

But how many believers in Brexit God are there really?

Don’t expect the BBC to find out. Its charter rules it must only do vox pops in towns that voted to punch themselves in the nuts back in 2016. They made High Priest Farage very happy. It has to stay that way.

And other chaplains and vicars of the faith can be heard daily. They say we must do a deal. We can work out the details later. The very MO of Brexit.

How’s that worked out so far?

At least one thing is clear. If the UK and EU do hammer out a last minute dot.com, promises to be broken almost instantly arrangement it will involve a lot of nut punching.

But they’ll be our nuts. And we’ll do the punching. And Brexit God will be watching and smiling.

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