The People have spoken, and they say they want a general election. They are sick and tired of the current bunch of spineless grown-up children, and want the opportunity to elect some proper adults.
The examples of kids in adult bodies and responsible jobs are many, claims arrested development specialist Si Cologyst. “Take Boris Johnson, for example,” he starts. “Mentally, he never left prep school. He goes through life expecting an indulgent Master to bail him out, and looks forward to a regular six of the best. His mindset is still looking for the chance to sneak out of school, to the girls’ school the other side of town, for furtive entanglements behind the bike sheds.”
But the examples are many. “Mark Francois is still re-enacting all the war movies he was brought up on,” says Cologyst. “Bang bang, you’re dead, you lost, neh neh, my dad’s bigger than your dad, he was in The War you know. Not an original thought in that boy’s head, bless him.”
Meanwhile, Michael Gove continues to drink the cheap cider and smoke the dodgy weed that the bigger boys smuggle in to the common room, in an effort to look cool.
The women are no better, claims Cologyst. “Theresa May, for example, still acts like the junior prefect she once was,” he says. “She demonstrates, every time she speaks, why she was only ever a junior prefect. And Liz Truss still sneaks out of school to meet up with boys and persuade them to do her homework for her.”
The theory is compelling. It explains the existence and prominence of Andrew Bridgen, Nadine Dorries, and countless others, spoilt brats who never learned discipline or responsibility.
So no wonder The People are tired of their whining and squabbling, and would like adults to take over again.
So let’s put the children in detention and bring back the experts. It’s child’s play.