Celebrations, or drowning your sorrows? Whichever way today’s vote goes, and whatever your opinion, the whole country is preparing to go on the mother of all benders this evening.
Will it all be over, one way or the other? No, this sort of bullshit never ends, but today will indicate the most likely type of bullshit we are going to have to tolerate for the next few years.
It all comes down to the numbers. So we spoke to Professor of Calculations And Shit, Algie Braa.
“It’s very close,” explained Prof Braa. “Too close for comfort. I am predicting a 52:48 split in parliament, but which way I couldn’t tell you. I do know that the winning side will round the result to the nearest 100% and claim absolute victory for ever and ever, amen.”
Until the next time someone throws a spanner in the works.
Prof Braa was sanguine about the possible result. “If the so-called deal is accepted, well it’s curtains for boffins like me,” he explained. “It’s No Deal in all but name. My university, like all the others except Oxford and Cambridge, will become part of the University of Life. This means I will have to get a proper job, like working in Lidl. Unless Lidl stick two fingers up at us and refuse to operate behind the red, white and blue curtain.”
And if the opposition wins? “That just kicks the poor old can down the endless road to the next crisis in January,” said the Prof sadly. “Rinse and repeat until someone steps in and puts us all out of our misery.”
So what do you plan to do? “Do? I can’t do anything!” retorted Prof Braa. “So whatever happens, I’m hitting the pub tonight to get completely hammered!”
Who could step in and stop the madness? It’s a matter of Sovereignty. If parliament won’t, could the Sovereign step in?
“I couldn’t possibly comment,” said Palace spokesman Roy Lassent. “But ask me this evening after I’ve had fifteen pints and I might be more definite!”
Queen and country? I’ll drink to that.