WAB WAB WAAHHHH : Fraught scenes on the rolling Somerset estate of man child Jacob Rees-mogg today after it became apparent that the House of Commons may seek to see what crayon drawings he’s hidden in his pram.
Cries of ‘Nanny!’ and ‘Bitty!’ could be heard even in neighbouring fields as Nanny sought to get Jacob to sleep by placing him on top of said drawings and pushing the perambulator along the path through the old apple orchard.
“Initially witnesses thought the cries of frustrated, juvenile distress were in relation to all the unpicked, fallen fruit, but it soon became apparent the tantrum was due to problems putting Brexit together. A hand me down toy set without instructions.”
Attempts to ram through Boris Johnson’s and Jacob’s ‘May minus’ Withdrawal Agreement were hitting the buffers already, before the pram scene, as some of the better brought up boys and girls in the Westminster crèche Jacob is enrolled in began to get involved.
“They’ll never get the WAB approved by Parliament if parliament knows what’s in it,” a seasoned crèche observer said, “their hope is just to bully the other boys and girls into doing what they want. But some are not having it. This is a problem. They aren’t emotionally mature enough to negotiate. Bullying is all they have.”
And the problem maybe a big one, judging by the details that are finding their way out of the pram and into the light.
“It seems making Boris ‘World King (of England)’ is in the WAB. So that’s a bit of a sticky finger in the ear. And customs declarations within the UK are just a full, heaving, unchanged nappy. Everyone around can see it and smell it. Which is pretty much the entire WAB of course.”
The only question seems to be who is going to be brave enough to go and risk getting their hands dirty and change that steaming nappy.
Preferably before Boris shoves his fingers into it and starts running around the House of Commons smearing its contents on the walls.
In the coming days nanny is going to be busy. And a big dummy is going to spit a big dummy.