BARGE ARSING FOR BRITAIN : Btitain’s outgoing Prime Spaffminster, Boris ‘de Spaffle’ Johnson has spoken out today about a visual problem, in the hope of identifying fellow sufferers.
“You see what I do is I take a great big dump,” Mr Johnson revealed, “a kind of, a, a, a policy dump. I dream up ways to spend the money in the public purse that I think will make me look great and then I flush! Wahey! Hazzah!”
But while prolifically wasting hard earned taxpayers’ money is all very well, and right for a Brexiter, the visual problem is more personal.
“I just can’t tell the difference,” Mr Johnson shrugs, on camera, then flexes his arms, “I see money in the exchequer and I think, crickey, I’ll have some of that fine, hand crafted toilet paper. Carrie doesn’t tell me it’s not toilet paper! Honestly, what good is a relationship with a bit of totty half your age if she can’t tell you you’re wiping your bum with paper other than that paper specifically designed for the purpose? I hear Pericles had exactly the same problem!”
But what does Mr Johnson plan to do about it?
“Well, I’ve wasted millions on Brexit coinage. I’ve wasted over a £100m on propaganda on billboards. I wasted just buckets of public cash as London Mayor. I seem to have flung some spare change at a lively American lass. You tell me? I’m running out of ideas! Perhaps start a land war in South-East Asia? You know, something bloody expensive, but ultimately winnable.”
No. About the toilet paper?
“Oh, well, I’ll just have to start double flushing. A crisp fifty tends to get stuck in the S-bend. Much like the country. I intend to flush that away too. Huzzah!”