COUNTDOWN CLOCK : TORY MP FOR IDIOCY, MARK FRANCOIS, IS REPORTED to have been moved to an ice bath this morning in a desperate attempt to keep his core temperature low.
“Mr Francois is being treated inside a secure, underground facility, last used to test small, very small, tactical nuclear weapons in the 1950’s,” a spokesman for the Army Bomb Disposal Unit told LCD Views, “he is being monitored around the clock and a trained robot is adding additional ice to the bath as required. Should his core temperature still rise to the level that will trigger a spontaneous detonation, it is hoped the miles of lead reinforced concrete housing Mr Francois will contain the explosion. And the bath is made of steel.”
But critics of the attempts to prevent Mr Francois exploding when the UK doesn’t leave the EU at 11pm today have pointed to the inordinate cost of the effort.
“Over £100m is being spent on ice alone,” our correspondent reveals, “which could have been spent on the wake for the Conservative Party, which also ends today. A party the entire nation would have been happy to foot the bill for, surely?”
Concern is also focused on the clock being used to countdown to the time when it will be safe to remove little Mark from the bath.
“It’s James Cleverly’s Brexit Countdown Clock,” our correspondent adds, “which is just insane. When it hits zero at 11pm it may actually trigger the explosion of Mr Francois. They really should have just dropped Mark into an Artic ice field for a few days. Regardless of the risk of precipitating climate change.”