‪Donald Trump confirmed as Conservative Party candidate for Uxbridge and South Ruislip in GE‬

TOOTS FROM THE TRUMPET’S TRUMPET : CCHQ has confirmed, following an imaginary FOI request by LCD Views, that Donald Trump will stand for election in the seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip in the December 12th general erection, sponsored by Viagra.

“Mr Trump has been asked by meat puppet Boris Johnson to stand as the candidate by Boris Johnson personally,” a CCHQ source told LCD Views, “and also by Boris Johnson. There are so many Boris Johnson’s, we thought it only fitting they all ask Mr Trump to stand. Mr Johnson will be standing in the newly created constituency of Fumble-on-Lyre, which as a preloaded Tory majority of 100,000, most of whom have been dead since the 19th century.”

Quite what the electors of Uxbridge and South Ruislip will make of the selection of Drumpf isn’t clear, but following in the best, modern traditions of the editorially compromised BBC, we have found the one person in the area batshit crazy enough to enthusiastically support the candidacy. We will present them as representative of all.

“It will help make Britain Great Again!” Ralf Woofer declared, “Donnie is a natural born leader. In the style of a Don. He will MAKE BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN AND PROTECT THE NHS FROM PRIVATISATION BY THE CHINESE BY SELLING IT TO THE AMERICANS.”

As Mr Woofer is unable to talk for long without shouting, we cut the interview as short as Francois and will proceed to widely speculate.

“The selection of Mr Trump will keep both Nigel Farage and Piers Morgan happy,” our chief political editor suspects, “they will find it easier to timeshare in his rear if he is actually in the UK.”

Other sources have also had a guess as to why this is being done.

“It’s part of a deal between Johnson and Trump,” a small blue ringed octopus asserted, and why not.

“Trump gets a legitimate reason to be in the UK during his impeachment proceedings and Boris Johnson gets to hang out with another deluded, privileged rich boy. They can do no work of actual governance together while a coterie of moral degenerates run the country. It’s a perfect arrangement.”

Whether or not Mr Trump can legally stand as the parliamentary candidate doesn’t matter, because in modern Tory Britain laws are only for poor people.

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