IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO : THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY has been accused of a copycat strategy today after it reacted to the news of the ‘Unite to Remain’ electoral pacts with a unifying electoral pact strategy of its own.
Speaking through an interpreter at a campaign event in central London today, Tory party leader, Boris ‘there’s nothing to see in that intelligence report’ Johnson, garbled and mumbled, waffled and enthused in a collection of syllables mashed together to form a word salad.
He looked haggard, his hair looked like it was attempting an escape bid, and helpfully no one asked what it feels like to leave your wife and children, and move your young girlfriend into Downing Street. Because we don’t do moral standards in British political life anymore, at least, not under the Conservatives. Just ask serving cabinet ministers, who have been disgraced, resigned and then had their careers resurrected.
Mr Johnson’s statement was separated into its component parts and re-assembled in something akin to speech by the interpreter.
“Those filly fally foondanglies just need a good shagging! Girly swots!” Mr Johnson began, apparently, “they think that like Theseus, baffled in a wool shop by what colour to pick for the jaunt in the maze, we can’t tell our voters which colour to pick. Or even ourselves! But we can! Blue! Blue on blue! Not aquamarine or azure. Tory blue. To that end, like the Gorgon agaze in wonder at her own reflection, we are standing aside anyone vaguely sane within our party and replacing them with guano frenzied idiots!”
The strategy is expected to lead to great gains for Mr Johnson as the electorate in areas as alike as Runnymede or Putney will not need to worry about losing their ‘moderate’ Tory candidate, when they can choose to vote for someone even more exciting, and guaranteed to tow the party line no matter how adrift from anything sensible it becomes.
But in spite of having their strategy stolen by the wrecking ball of standards and society, the Unite to Remain grouping was upbeat.
“It helps our cause,” a source inside the organisation said, “as it will stand us in even sharper relief.”
LCD Views would like to (genuinely) commend the Unite to Remain effort. A twinkling light at the end of a tunnel that is at times long and dark. It stands a chance to go some way to de-toxifying British politics, by showing that parties and can work together in the national interest and take actions to mutual benefit. And to that of the electorate. We would just like to see even more of it…hint hint a certain opposition party who so far isn’t having a bar of it.
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