Voters required to produce Conservative party membership cards at polling stations

Boris Johnson has had some crazy ideas since becoming prime minister, but his final act before the dissolving of parliament (which sadly does not involve any hydrochloric acid) is undoubtedly his worst yet.

He has demanded that all would-be voters going into polling stations on the 12th of December produce a card confirming membership of the Conservative party before they are allowed to place their cross on the ballot paper.

“It’s absolutely ideal,” he told the assembled press. “We want to make sure the right party wins, and this will ensure this. Especially if this winter is as bad as the forecasters are suggesting – it’ll kill off half our voting base, and we can’t have all those wrinklies dying before they’ve elected me prime minister, can we? I mean it’s all right if they pop their clogs after I’m PM, but we can’t risk it just yet.”

That tells you all you need to know about who Boris Johnson really cares about – Boris Johnson.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was also very enthusiastic about the plan.

“It’ll eliminate the riffraff coming in and voting the wrong way,” he said, looking down his nose. “Far too many people get to have a say in general elections nowadays. It’s just common sense to leave the decision-making to a few qualified people, and a conservative party membership card is the best qualification I can think of.”

However the plan is not popular with anyone other than tories. All the other party leaders were quick to condemn the move.

“A move like this is a blatant attempt to seize power by any dishonest means and subjugate the masses,” Jeremy Corbyn said. It’s disgraceful.”

“Disgusting,” put in Jo Swinson.

“Despicable,” added Nicola Sturgeon.

Even Nigel Farage was against it, but I couldn’t be bothered listening to his rhetoric, and I hadn’t even asked him for his opinion anyway as he’s not electable.

Rumour has it that forgers are already dropping all other jobs and mass-producing passable fake Tory party membership cards to enable the more human sect of the voting population to have their say. For obvious reasons we could get no official confirmation of this, but we wish them the best of luck.

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