AREA NO ONE : Deep in the desert east of Blackpool the local inhabitants of the small hamlet of Frederick are starting to question some strange goings on.
“For several days now locals have been reporting sightings of Tories,” our roaming GE correspondent reports from Flintoff, a few miles down the road from Frederick, “nothing like it has been seen since the late 1960’s and the build up to the lunar landings. Oh, and since mid 2017.”
But it’s not just the sightings of so many Tories that’s unusual. It’s who is with them.
“It’s clearly a film studio ready to get to work,” our reporter continues, “this morning, near to dawn, as I crept through the frost brittle grass I spied technicians erecting thousands of cardboard cutout Britons in a field. At the same time an audio system played the sounds of wild adulation from crowds.”
But that wasn’t all.
“Before long a bleary eyed blonde man, his hair ruffled as if by fighting ferrets, drove into the scene on a golf cart. He waved to the cardboard crowd and they waved back. Well, I say waved, technicians pulled on ropes attached to the arms of the cut outs causing them to rise and fall.”
The golf cart stuttered to a halt in the middle of the “crowd” of adoring supporters and the blonde man shambled out to face his cardboard army.
“Global Britons!” the blonde man boomed, “I stand before you today just a man. But a man standing on the shoulders of waffle! Clenching the fist of piffle! British knees firm! Together we will unleash the potential of whatever is left of the United Kingdom once I’ve secured an even shorter, second term as prime minister!”
Mad applause! Several cardboard cutouts collapsed in euphoria and were ferried out on stretchers by extras playing ambulance crews.
“Together we will get Brexit done! A credible Brexit that will mean only 10 to 20 years afterwards in trade negotiations with the entire world as we look forward to the point 50 years from now when Jacob has identified a benefit.”
More mad applause. One of the cutouts, helium balloons clenched in its fist, began to rise above the others, drifting slowly in the breeze to exit stage right.
“At this point a man who looked eerily similar to James Cleverly was escorted by armed guards, his mouth gagged, to an area where a blow up replica of Kay Burley waited with an empty chair,” our reporter adds, “and then a few strains of The Star Spangled Banner were heard, before a hushed silence fell.”
The blonde shamblaholic gave the thumbs up and the gag was removed from Mr Cleverly’s mouth.
“Now Kay,” he began, “I can call you Kay? May I sit in this chair? Reports that we have been playing the American anthem at our rallies and not God Save The Queen are spurious assaults on the credibility of the most honest and hardworking government the world has ever seen.”
And all together the army of cardboard began to chant “Lock her up! Lock her up!” and Mr Johnson got back into his golf cart and began to drive slowly from the scene…