STOP MAKING TITS OF YOURSELF BE A VEGETABLE INSTEAD : THE EMBATTLED CONSERVATIVE PARTY has taken steps to stop car crash interviews during the GE campaign.
“We’re stopping talking. At least to the media,” a ‘Source’ inside the 1922 Committee told LCD Views, “no one is allowed to talk anymore. Especially not Boris. Or James. Or Matt. And definitely not Mogg.”
Under the new strategy, which is certain to succeed, the fruit and vegetable sellers of the UK will be asked to turn over any vegetable that looks like a willy.
“I suppose spuds will be best, as they’ve a greater shelf life. Once they start with those little sprouty bits from the eyes then it’ll be an even greater distraction. You won’t get as long out of a banana I suppose. Maybe a few appearances on Marr? But anything to stop Conservative Party candidates talking to Barnett or Burley. The swivel eyed membership may not be too bothered about bald faced lying and lack of understanding of our own policies, but slowly the bloody moderates are drifting away, without saying anything, out the door. A good fruit display will dam the flood.”
But critics of the scheme, internal and external, have pointed out that potatriots Mark Francois and Andrew Bridgen have been giving interviews for years now. As such this is not a new comms strategy and already blighted.
Nonetheless you can look forward to a turnip standing in for Matt Hancock later today and getting an easy ride on the BBC.