Boris Johnson says he likes to make flood defences out of empty wine boxes

TITS ON A BULL : Boris Johnson continues to surf the wave of popular feeling today as he attempts to row about the political landscape and put clear water between himself and the pretenders to his throne.

But he has come in for some surprising criticism regarding the flooding of wherever it is, it’s not in the southeast, as the people of somewhere in England demand action is taken by the government to assist with the flooding of up north. It is up north, isn’t it?

“That’s their first mistake right there,” our Johnson watcher noted, “they assume there’s a government. The second mistake compounds the first, but assuming that even if Boris Johnson was attempting governance, that he would care about wherever it is. Well, haven’t they learned anything from ten years of Tory shenanigans?”

But even so, the blonde Aquaman of British political life is throwing them a bone. Let’s hope it floats.

“He’s going to do a Facepamphlet Live broadcast where he tells them what they decided at the Cobra meeting.”

That’s progress at least.

“Mostly they decided they needed Boris to look like he cares. He does of course. You should see the way he looks at himself in the mirror. He really cares a lot about his reflection. Imagine how much he would care if he gazed down into a still puddle of flood water?”

But surely some actual physical response is required? People have lost homes and livelihoods and the King of the south has just shrugged for days.

“Well this is where he gets the kudos,” the analyst advised, “Corbyn and Swinson have busied themselves fannying about Yorkshire, but Boris has now acted.”

What has he done?

“He’s made these little flood defences out of empty wine boxes. He’s even painted people playing with sandbags on the sides. He’s going to set them adrift outside Yorkshire later today.”

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