ALMS FOR BREXIT : High Priest, Cardinal, Bishop and Pope of the Church of Brexit, Nigel “1930’s tribute act” Farage has explained the real reason he stood down his religious militia in Tory held seats for this GE.
“Well, in spite of the media hype no one very much was going to vote for them. You’ve never seen such a bunch of swivel eyed crazies. Christ on a bike! Anyone who still believes in me by now must be pursuing plan-9 from the Planet Zaarg! Now. Now. Let me speak,” Mr Farage explained.
Just how much the mass limited company, zero hour, con economy candidate stand down will benefit Boris Johnson isn’t yet clear. It perhaps makes his brand even more toxic to Tory voters desperately scrambling to find reason to vote for Johnson.
While some marrow deep idiots will see it as a betrayal of the One True Brexit, without actually realising that the man they pinned their hopes on turning out to be a spiv, may suggest the project he embodies is a total con too.
“Now. No. Now,” Mr Farage went on, “Why spend perfectly good money on candidates in a GE campaign when I’ve a penthouse apartment to purchase in Düsseldorf? And besides. After the other morning and the toast, I didn’t have a choice. It was a message sent straight from the Brexit God himself!”
What was that about the toast?
“I was just settled down with a copy of the autobiography of a struggling, early twentieth century, Austrian water colourist to have my boiled egg and soldiers when what did I spy on the toast? Just before I cut it into strips as small as Brexit is cutting rule of law in our society?”
What? Do tell.
“Boris Johnson’s image,” Mr Farage exclaimed, “right there in the toast. And what’s more he was holding real Brexit in his hands! A proper British bent banana! It was a sign. And one I intend to heed.”
Let’s hope the rest of the electorate are heeding the signs too…