A PLAGUE ON IN AND ABOUT HIS HOUSES : Outgoing Prime Minister Boris ‘Repressed Intelligence Report’ Johnson hasn’t had the best of weeks on the campaign trail, but the weekend has injected fresh optimism.
“We’ve received another endorsement from a famous feature of the traditional British landscape ,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Yersinia pestis has endorsed the outgoing Prime Minister. This should help our campaign become incredibly infectious.”
The endorsement of the famous ‘Black Death’ comes after various other noteworthy individuals put their backing behind the Tory hopeful.
“Little Tommy ‘Not my real name’ is behind Boris now. That so called historian who denies the holocaust. A bunch of other similar and now one of the greatest mass killers in all of history? I mean, this should be a game changer.”
The Home Office is said to be especially thrilled by the endorsement of the Plague and intends to make the dissemination of it a key policy plank if the Tories retain power in the December national IQ test.
“You wait and see what happens now,” the source went on, “as Boris continues to tour the nation’s primary schools and nurseries, to avoid questions he can’t answer, he’ll be leaving a mark.”
Boils, haemorrhaging, raging fevers, fits of coughing up blood and just uncontrollable levels of scat are now expected to be the hallmarks of a visit by the famous student of technology.
But critics have given an underwhelmed response to the endorsement.
“It’s not exactly an achievement to be endorsed by an incredibly dangerous bacteria that you’re already the political embodiment of, now is it?” one wrote on Twitter, “being endorsed by penicillin would be something to shout about, but not this nonsense.”
We did ask penicillin who it was endorsing and it replied “whoever is likeliest to beat a Brexiter, whatever colour their rosette, constituency by constituency.”
If enough voters take that medicine and swallow it it’s just feasible we might show the plague on all our houses the door on December 12th.