Esher and Walton earth tremors traced to Dominic Raab’s pulsating vein

MORAL COMPASS LOST NO HOPE OF RECOVERY : The cause of earth tremors recorded by the Royal British Seismic Society in Esher and Walton last night have been traced to Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab’s temple vein.

“The earth actually moved and it was due to Dominic,” a spokesman for the RBSS told LCD Views, “which is a first. It’s a relief that it wasn’t due to fracking. That would have required an attempt at a cover up.”

The needle movement, which was detected over the course of several hours in the sleepy north Surrey constituency, correlates with Dominic ‘The Navigator’ Raab’s attendance at a GE hustings.

“It’s no surprise the pulsating vein on his temple (recently made famous by a ridiculous bit of hagiography in The Telegraph – it’s a British low rent tabloid) caused the earth tremors. It was pulsing so hard it began to emit light,” the spokesman continued, “at one point Mr Raab’s head had to be concealed under a pot due to the sheer violence of the pulsating light bursts. He didn’t look at all well. It was a near miss that he didn’t become purely light based during the incident. Rumours suggest he fractured a molar gurning in irritation at his constituents, but you’d have to talk to a local emergency dentist to get clarity on that.”

It’s not clear if the plant that was in the pot, before it was upended and shaken loose by a quick thinking constituent, was injured in the event. Or even if it was returned to the pot after Mr Raab had left, shaking and throbbing, fleeing into the night to escape the justifiably hostile hustings.

“Steps will have to be taken to prevent a repetition,” the spokesman continued, “just to lower the risk to garden furniture and wheelie bins in Surrey. But thankfully there is a preventive measure that can be taken. I’m sure Mr Raab would like the help. He must have one banging headache after taking such a pounding by his own vein.”

The preventive measure is very straightforward and accessible to all registered voters in Esher and Walton. Get Raab Gone.

“Give him the medicine he deserves for helping translate a thin win in a dodgy opinion poll into a mandate to transform the UK into a hostile environment,” the spokesman finished, “vote him out on December 12th. And we can all enjoy watching his face as he attempts to navigate his way from one of the great offices of state and straight into the dust bin of history. A journey he’s certain to find extremely difficult as locating the land bridge linking Dover and Calais.”

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