TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE : It’ll be wall to wall Johnsons on the BBC this weekend after Boris Johnson stopped being so coy and agreed to a hard hitting interview, just not with Andrew Neil.
“Complete sausage festival,” an overexcited BBC editor told LCD Views, “as the old cock takes on the ageing cock and there won’t be a dry eye, or seat, in the house. It’ll be totally hardcore.”
But in spite of the promise of an interview with impact, rumours suggest there will be some topics not on the table.
“Clearly no one will discuss the issue of parenting or how to raise children. Stanley sausage will be staring at the evidence of how well he did and Boris sausage doesn’t even know how many kids he’s fathered, or where his kids are. And if he can keep dodging those court summons he never will! Allegedly. And neither will Wikipedia.”
But what questions will be on the charge sheet, your honour?
“There’s dozens. So many questions. You’ve never seen so many questions asked, and answered, in a Johnson v Johnson, head to head before. And what’s best, they’ll be multiple choice.”
What’s the first question?
“What do the great British people want done with Brexit? Four possible answers. All are done. Boris can not fail to avoid the wrong answer.”
And the second question?
“What will happen with Brexit if Boris is re-elected PM? You can guess the answer, even though it’s multiple choice! It goes on like this for an hour.”
And we hear there’s a very special ending planned?
“Yes indeed. C4 isn’t the only TV company who knows how to get a hold of an ice sculpture. Behind both great men of the British dystopia will be an ice sculpture of a polar bear.”
Will it melt through the programme?
“I hope not too much. To end the show, and to show the viewing public there’s no hard feelings between the two blonde cocks, they will stand united, unzipped and micturate all over the bear until it’s just a yellow mess on the floor.”
Which is exactly how the entire UK will look if the great British public are daft enough to give the Johnsons another five years.