Rees-mogg and Johnson BUST up over who has the most children

EVERY SPERM IS SACRED : The reason that Victorian sperm fountain, Jacob Rees-mogg, is so hard to locate today has been revealed with the fake news of a bust up between him and Boris Johnson.

“He’s in hiding,” our NE Somerset reporter reports, “I’ve been looking for him for months. I almost caught him last week, but the giant blue rosette he was wearing turned into a floating carpet and he sailed away back to the rock he hides under. Which is a shame. I wanted to ask him some fire safety advice.”

But more importantly, why is he in hiding? Is he not seen as an electoral asset? Baffling if so!

“It’s not because of the shameful things he said about Grenfell, that any human with an ounce of dignity would have already resigned from public office over.”

Okay, is it being part of a plan to hoodwink the aged monarch into unlawfully suspending parliament?

“Don’t make me laugh. Water off a duck’s back to old Jacob that was. Remember when he and Steve Baker used parliamentary privilege to malign the civil service with concocted smears? So no, it’s not that.”

Was it lying stretched out contemptuously on the green benches during a pivotal parliamentary debate? Leader of the House come liar of the house?

“Really. You aren’t showing the sort of imagination I expect. And before you mention it, no, it’s not moving his investment fund to Dublin to escape the financial carnage of Brexit. And it’s not the money he’s invested in a sanctioned Russian bank.”

I’ve got it! The sales of his book on Victorians? Written from a first hand perspective.

“The wonderfully woeful sales? No. Not that. He has no shame.”

Then what?

“Apparently he got into a bust up with Boris Johnson over who has fathered the most children.”

Well, they both have fathered six…although Boris Johnson doesn’t seem too keen on the aftercare.

“Are you sure on the number? Boris wouldn’t tell even Jacob, he just said, allegedly, five or six, but perhaps a dozen more. Jacob was so furious he went home into seclusion until he’s fathered seventus, eightus, ninthus and maybe even more. Pater v Pater!”

Nanny is going to be busy!

“With a man child like Jacob Rees-mogg to care for, Nanny never gets a day’s rest.”

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