Priti Patel says EU membership is incompatible with plans to reimpose feudalism in England

DIG UNTIL YOU DIE : Welcome clarity today from the Home Secretary Priti Patel on why her government just has to get the UK out of the EU. And not just so the UK can enter the final stage of its long life cycle and disintegrate.

“Do you want to revolutionise the economy and cut all that red tape or not?” a pumped up Priti demanded today, at an imaginary hustings in Witham, “do you want full employment and not have to worry about your pension in your old age? It’s time to choose. By raising the pension age to 100 and making everyone do field work, regardless of the time of year, we can rid patriotic Britons of the fear of poverty in old age, by ridding them of the unwelcome reality of old age completely.”

It is indeed time to choose. Time for the country to decide who governs it and in which century the governing happens.

“For too long EU red tape has held back the return of serfdom to the United Kingdom,” Ms Patel enthused, “backs that could be breaking in toil in fields are right now in ergonomic office chairs thinking of voting for Labour, Libdems or even the Greens. We can fix that. We can fix that with a Boris Johnson majority. It’s not like he’ll be paying any attention at all to what I do with you after. Just as Dave “hug a hoodie” Cameron gave scant regard to Ms May’s creation of the hostile environment. And look what bold strides we have taken since!”


“We can fix broken Britain with you, with you holding a hoe in a muddy field of your own. Or more correctly a field you’re renting with 80% of your produce, off a Tory MP.”

What’s not to like! The EU can’t hold us back once we rid ourselves of its insufferable tendency to enfranchise citizens with rights.

“You have a right to dig in daylight hours, and beyond, and I have a right to be wear shoes with toes so long I can’t possibly be expected to move from my throne. Let’s get Brexit done and take the UK backwards! Back to a time when everyone knew their place.”

Wonderful. Be a bloody shame if she loses her seat in the GE. I wonder what sort of electoral calculation will be needed by the opposition parties to bring that about?

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