WHAT IS THE RPM OF ONE RAAB : It hardly needs be said that in the closing stages of a general election campaign the last thing anyone campaigning for re-election needs is the beginnings of divorce proceedings.
But that is exactly the cruel fate that has befallen one of the stars of US imperial capitalism, Dominic ‘the navigator’ Raab, even while he fights a winner takes all battle against reality in Esher and Walton.
“Shortly before 9am this morning a throbbing vein appeared on the steps of the Old Bailey to hold a press conference,” our marital matters correspondent reports, “the vein itself, dressed in a black lace face covering and a wooly jacket, was still immediately recognisable as the one usually to be found pulsating on the right temple of the man who discovered Dover.”
But it seems being in a union with the man responsible for recently revealing that the UK’s mainland is an island is not all it seems.
“Dominic and I have been as one for as long as I can remember,” the vein said, in a voice that went DA-dum DA-dum in rhythm, “I believe, thanks to regression therapy, that we were together even before I become self-aware. But. BA-but. All good things must come to An-d end. Today I am announcing I Ha-ve petitioned for divorce from Dominic and I wish to begin a new life as an entirely separate entity.”
The reasons given for the petition appear to be unreasonable behaviour.
“The pressure of coping with his accelerating pulse, each time he appears in public to dissemble has become too much,” the vein explained, “so too the effort to contain his rising blood pressure when people repeat to Dominic the things he’s said in the past, both about the NHS and women. Oh, and food banks. Oh, and Brexit. I persisted with him, in spite of my misgivings, during his attempts to bully the EU. A laughable and embarrassing series of private moments in which I must confess I found myself looking longingly at the smooth temple of Michel Barnier. But DOm’s sheer blood pounding bafflement at the recent GE hustings has broken the final bonds between us.”
Concerns were expressed by the assembled press corp over how the vein expected Mr Raab to cope without it?
“I have already arranged for a section of standard, garden hose pipe to replace me on his RI-ght temple. I suspect he will go on largely unaffected. As for myself? I expect to appear on Love Island next year. And I expect to find love anew on that desperate patch of sand and put recent experiences behind me.”
LCD Views would like to wish the vein good luck as it continues its journey into sentience and hopes that one day it will find a new temple to pulsate on, much to the amazement of all onlookers.