CURSED TO WALK FOREVER FILMING NONSENSE : LCD Views can confirm today that the Exorcist, sent by the Vatican, to West Suffolk at the request of terrified constituents has concluded his investigation into the ‘selfie’ apparition.
“It’s still walking the streets and pavements at dawn most days,” Father Pater Pater confirmed, “I have seen it with my own eyes. It’s definitely ghoulish. It’s aims are certainly terrifying. But it’s of this world. I can not exorcise West Suffolk for you.”
The ‘selfie’ apparition first appeared in the area some weeks ago and initially appeared to modernise hauntings by posting short video blogs of itself screaming into the void on Twitter. Sometimes trees appeared to grow out of its head. Other times it was just the darkness surrounded dead eyes. Now and then it seemed to fancy possessing a motor vehicle.
Initial reports also said the apparition focused heavily on scaring people with nonsense maths about nurses, quiet outsourcing of the services related to national health, curious receipt of monies by US private health lobbyists and even invoking the war dead in a cynical attempt to become Head Ghoul of the Walking Dead Party. That alone should have seen it sent back to whatever ghastly realm it has escaped from.
That is possible, but it won’t be achieved by supernatural means.
“It’s Matt Hancock,” Father Pater Pater shrugged, “West Suffolk can exorcise itself next week at the ballot box. I’d advise you to do so lest your NHS becomes a dead zone.”