RODENT COOKERY 101 : Daily the UK’s social media users are deluged with polls as the first, but not last, GE campaign of 2019 draws to a close. But don’t think the polling companies will be twiddling their thumbs after Thursday.
“Clearly it depends on who wins the general election, or if there’s a hung parliament,” Professor Hungry of NoGov told LCD Views, “the major salivation is over the possibility of a stonking Johnson majority. It’ll give us a completely new range of issues to conduct polls on. Culinary issues.”
And by culinary Hungry isn’t talking about what’s a proper Yorkshire pudding if it’s made of dandruff, are Brussels Sprouts even food if they’re foam toys from a child’s toy kitchen, or would Toad-in-a-Hole actually be improved by use of an actual toad?
“Actually, I’ll interrupt you there,” the professor said, “the toad one is one of the many new and exciting possibilities if Boris Johnson is able to unleash the UK’s potential. You won’t be affording sausage, but if you’re fast, and your garden contains a water feature, you may just catch yourself a toad. But how will they taste? And what demographics will favour them?”
And amphibious creatures won’t be the only life forms being polled. Everyone’s favourite, the rat, will clearly feature heavily.
“Come on. The country is heaving with rats, and not just in government. We all know they’re out there, and according to recent research, British people are already considering the best way to cook them. By far the most popular method is flame grilling. You don’t have to skin them that way, the hair just burns off. But there is a niche electorate who do wish to skin them first in order to keep the pelts for making clothes.”
If Boris Johnson and the charlatans surrounding him are enabled to unleash the country’s potential in the way they desire, you’ll be having heated debates about the bin fire over exactly what to do with that rat.