UK to vote on Thursday whether or not to replace unicorn in coat of arms with kipper

TUB THUMPING DOG WHISTLING PRIME MINISTERIAL COUNTRY DEMOLITIONING : NEWS of a fresh rift between outgoing PM Boris Johnson and his spiritual guide, Nigel Farage, today after Mr Johnson’s latest bit of grass roots electioneering.

Apparently the furore centres on what is to replace the unicorn in the UK’s coat of arms. A subject Mr Johnson raised at a fish market, wherein he almost got lost, as he himself is so exceptionally fishy.

“Replacing the unicorn is necessary to get the public used to the actual benefits of Brexit,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “the end of GP surgeries and the introduction of kids fighting over the one school meal provided in their district each day. That’s understood. But what to replace it with is the issue.”

It seems, unusually for something Brexit related, the decision to make a big change was taken with shockingly limited thought as to what to actually do after the decision.

“Boris Johnson wants to put the actual kipper he held on stage at the BBC Daft Comedy Awards into the actual coat of arms,” the source continues, “as he believes this fish, and the associated lies he told while holding it as a prop, best illustrate the UK’s new direction.”

What’s wrong with that? Surely Nigel Farage, perhaps the most famous kipper of them all, would see it as a fitting testament?

“Well, it’s not that the frog faced, replica human from the Planet Proto-Facist isn’t complimented. But he feels a more fitting, new symbol of modern Britain under Brexit would be a plaster cast of a patriotic British knee.”

This dispute is likely to play out for a while. One thing is certain though, if the UK’s voters return Johnson to power this Thursday they will be declaring to the entire world that we’re now just a little nation of kippers. Let’s hope they choose to deserve a different government…

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