MISSING IN ACTION : Relief today as the location of missing media celebrities, Laura “Boris on a park bench” Kuenssberg and Robert “We want you to come back from wherever you went” Peston has been revealed.
“No one is quite sure when Laura went missing,” our ‘news is entertainment’ analyst comments, “but it’s been painfully obvious she’s been MIA for a long time. Peston is more troubling though. He has just kind of faded from view over the last few years, as if under a spell, until yesterday POP! he suddenly vanished altogether.”
And it was the dual disappearance that really engaged the sleuths.
“It was actually a very cut and dried case once people went looking,” our man goes on, “the clue to their location was right there before us all, on video. It was blindingly obvious they were in the same place as that reporter Pike’s missing mobile phone. We all know Boris Johnson has very deep pockets, even if we’re not entirely sure how, so it was natural to look in there.”
And that’s exactly where the missing ‘democracy is now just reality TV’ hosts were to be found.
“We couldn’t get Laura to come out, although we’re still trying. Robert we tHiNk has been drawn in by some kind of slow acting charm. We’re hoping a magical practitioner can counter it. Although we’re managing expectations.”
It’s a good news story though. When both high profile Tory ‘source’ messengers vanished after the Matt Hancock put up job outside Leeds Infirmary, it seemed they maybe lost forever.
Of course the real question remains unanswered.
Just whose pocket is Boris Johnson in?