X MARKS THE BLOB : A British man is reportedly in a weak and wobbly condition today after suffering from a horrible nightmare during the night.
The man, father of an indeterminate number of children, has been described by locals as an autocratic mop of spaff, bad intentions, desperate insecurities and fascist leanings and is said to have woken screaming next to someone’s wife, or his younger mistress, or a rescue dog that’s been gaffer taped to his leg, or just a big wine spill on a sofa.
“It seems he was dreaming about a fantasy ballot card,” a source inside the home told LCD Views, “and all the choices were unpalatable and he had to choose all of them in his dream. That is why he woke up. He couldn’t face the rest of the dream.”
Although other people, who have known the man for some time, say it sounds like he got away lightly.
“There are so many other boxes that could have been on the ballot paper. His career and personal life is an endless train wreck for other people. And his promises aren’t worth dirt. It’s all starting to mount up. Oh, and he’s happy to risk the breakdown of the actual UK to feed his ego and to fuel racism and race based attacks on the streets. All up it’s a walking, talking bucket of sick with ruffled hair.”
But in spite of the nightmare it is believed he has already voted in the general election, being held today, although curiously not in his home constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip.
“That’s because there were no fridges available in the area that are big enough to hide in in case he gets scared,” the insider explained, “he comes across all tough, but he’s really just a little spoiled brat.”