TIMELESS AND COLLECTIBLE : THE TREASURY has confirmed that it’s going for third time lucky with the commemorative Brexit 50p coins, but this time it is taking no chances.
“Jesus wept, it’s just getting silly now,” a source inside the Treasury told LCD Views, “Sajid Javid seems unaffected by the farce, but then one of Cummings’ handlers comes around each morning and jams a hypodermic needle full of LSD into his eyeballs, so he doesn’t really know what’s going on anyway. He seems happier at least. Last time I saw him he was crawling down the hall near his office on all fours singing ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ and debating what’s the best paper for a business card with an imaginary pixie.”
And to ensure the coins are a success, this time, the government is bringing in rules over their use.
“They’re going to be biodegradable. This way when Brexit starts going tits up we can just bury them in a landfill and no one will notice. After that we can tap the methane produced by their decomposition to heat 10 Downing Street. That’s caused a bit of a stir. Some of the civil servants working at the Exchequer believe any methane should heat 11 Downing Street. But we resolved that by confiscating their phones and firing those people.”
The coins will have a load of nonsense on them, of course, as pointless symbolism is the order of the day.
“No date. Vital. Anything could happen before 31st January. As unlikely as it is, Trump’s impeachment trial could lead to revelations this side of the pond derailing Brexit. The British public may wake up New Years Day and realise just how royally they’ve been shafted and do something about it. Although that’s less likely, based on the last few years. Or Russia could seize the Hebrides earlier than agreed. Whatever, we’re adopting a contingency based strategy. No dates, or any other foreign fruits will be stamped on them.”
And biodegradable does of course mean edible. We advise you to keep each and every coin you receive in your change and save it. They’ll be perfect stock cubes, even if the taste will be a bit tinny.