Boris Johnson returns from holiday with a fake tan

Boris Johnson has re-entered the country as if it were a willing filly. His Christmas break to the wintry, snowbound, tropical Caribbean paradise that is Mustique has left him glowing with rude good health and ready to get it done. His tan is so powerfully glowing that it shines in the darkness.

Indeed, it looks like Johnson has not only had his Ready Brek, but also been in close contact with nuclear fuels.

The tan is suspiciously deep, almost orange in colour, Trump-esque in fact. It is unusual for a blond, nominally British man with pale colouring like Johnson to tan. Normally they burn and then peel. Suspicious observers reckon that Johnson’s tan is as fake as his credentials.

“I’m also suspicious about why Johnson went to Mustique,” said suspicious observer Bea di Yie. “It’s close enough to the USA for one of Steve Bannon’s minions to fly over with the Trump playbook and make-up kit.”

The recipe for TrumpTan is a closely guarded secret, but it is rumoured to contain chemicals designed to repel both socialism and facts. The unvarnished truth will never penetrate the varnished leader.

“The tan forms a mask behind which an ordinary, posh, wealthy man of the people can play the part of an aggressive, powerful tyrant,” claimed di Yie. “Boris watchers like myself are bracing themselves for a fresh blast of Johnsonism. It’s all an act, and when the real Boris Johnson becomes aware of the horrors he has perpetrated, he will remove the mask and slip out of the public eye into a fabulous retirement on the after-dinner speaking circuit. This, after all, is where the man’s true talents lie.”

An unfortunate side-effect of the untested chemical composition of TrumpTan is, experts believe, the tendency to tweet random crap while sitting on the presidential throne.

“I will GET BREXIT DONE! The wicked Labs and the treacherous Remoaners are trying to obstruct justice again. Sad! They must never succeed! MAKE ENGLAND GREAT AGAIN!”

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