Bumbling panto dame and some time Prime Minister Boris Johnson has applied to head up the royal family.
This astonishing move, some believe, bears the hallmarks of bonkers special advisor Dominic “Short” Cummings, but the logic is impeccable. The Monarch is the only possible obstruction in between Johnson and doing what the hell he likes. If Her Majesty could be persuaded to make Johnson her heir, then the road to absolute power is opened up.
Downing Street mouthpiece Anne Onnimus explained the situation. “All the Queen ever does is wave, read the statements we write for her, and rubber stamp our decisions,” said Onnimus. “Boris can do that too, dead easy. It would save him the stress of worrying if the old bat is ever going to pluck up the nerve to break protocol. God knows, she has been on the verge of it for the last four years!”
Johnson would inherit the Queen’s entire family. Having children you refuse to acknowledge is a distinct advantage here.
Johnson does of course have royal blood. Like the Queen, he is descended from George II.
“In these days of equality, descent via the female line, unmarried couples and illegitimacy is not a disadvantage,” explained Onnimus. “In fact, becoming Monarch because of male, legitimate decent reeks of elite privilege. I give you Boris Johnson, the people’s Queen!”
There is a certain ring to it.
Johnson wants to Get It Done as soon as possible. The current Queen is batting on a bit, and could snuff it at any time. № 10 is worried that, should Charles become king, that he would abuse his position as Head Of State to deny the Royal Assent to laws proposed by his advisors. This is not how things are done in this country. “Boris would never dare defy Mr Cummings,” warned Onnimus, ominously.
Expect a coronation in the near future. Get your Queen Boris commemorative mugs and tea towels now!