LOOK AT US WORLD LOOK AT US ROAR : THE GOVERNMENT is moving ahead at speed with its plans for a Festival of Brexit. It’s going to be fantastic.
“James ‘Not so’ Cleverly has even reset his famous clock for it,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “he doesn’t realise it makes him look like a total plank, so he’s perfect for it. Stand in front of the jingoistic clock James and smile. You’re really earning your pay and extra holidays!”
But what about the festival itself? What’s to be the centrepiece?
“Something that completely celebrates the national IQ as symbolised by Brexit,” the source informed, “we’re going to burn it all to the ground. Then poor people will sweep up the ashes. It’ll be a hoot. The entire cabinet has been given front row seats. The general public will have to pay for it.”
But burn what to the ground? Manufacturing and services? Hard won rights, gifted regardless of the accident of birth over decades?
“Yeah, Brexit is putting the hoi polloi back in its box. Ha! Just imagine the pain of being a toff growing up in the 80’s and 90’s and watching the EU enfranchise those upstart plebs and your hard earned, inherited bank balance having little to do with it? Always completely baffled me why there were Lexiters, given the aims of the Brexiters, but we’re getting distracted.”
Yes. You still haven’t answered the question of what is to be burned to the ground?
“It’s a not a Wicker Man. Well. It is. But with a contemporary British, obsessional twist!”
WHAT IS IT? A BURGUNDY PASSPORT?
“No. But good choice! No. It’s to be a giant vegan sausage roll. They’ll smell the smoke burning in Brussels. Then they’ll know once the trade negotiations begin they’re really in for it.”