Harry and Meghan announce plans to buy the Daily Mail

ROYAL FEATURE EVERY DAY : The self-exiled royal couple have shaken up the world of the foreign owned British press today with the announcement of plans to buy the Daily Mail.

In a shock announcement made during a press conference in their new home in Ontario the happy couple could barely conceal their laughter.

It’s believed they will be using taxpayers money for the purchase and no price is too high.

“It’s an aggressive takeover,” an insider in the couple’s retinue told LCD Views, “Justin Trudeau is said to have personally signed a blank check and given it to them. So people in the UK don’t need to worry, it’s not British taxpayers money, but Canadian dollars.

What the Mail’s newest old guard, puzzled by the 21st century, tub thumping, blow hard ‘columnist’ John Humphrys will make of it isn’t clear.

“And it wont be clear as all his submissions are likely to be spiked.”

Plans to reformat are also rumoured with the couple apparently keen to publish the rag in a format more fitting to its content.

“Small, perforated sheets wound around a thin cardboard tube is the front runner of ways to revitalise the paper.”

But Brexit Britain is reacting furiously to the news out of concern the newspaper may now go back to publishing something vaguely factual and not just further the toxic, racist, nationalist agenda of Brexit.

“Steady on there,” the insider retorted, “it’s never been accused of publishing anything even vaguely factual, so this will be a first. It’s a revolution in the establishment of manufacturing consent. Many won’t be able to handle it.”

A free vegan sausage roll will be given away with each edition going forward and furious reactions from great big, steaming slabs of gammon are expected.

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