UK to sound its own death knell on 31 January 2020

“And the bells are ringing out for Brexit Day.” Announcing the death of the United Kingdom as we know it today.

The campaign by miniature monomaniac Mark Francois to reinstate Big Ben for this purpose has failed. Unfortunately for him, the bell is out of action for long term maintenance. In typical Brexit fashion, reality has got in the way of another poorly thought out idea.

Instead the people at Leave.EU, people so one-eyed as to make a Cyclops jealous, are encouraging churches to ring their bells in place of Big Ben. Bellringers across the country are not happy that they will be expected to ring bells at 11pm on a Friday night, when any self-respecting bellringer should be three sheets to the wind in the pub.

LCD Views looked high and low for a bellringer to interview, settling within ten seconds upon the Tower Captain at St Jeremy’s-in-the-Shit.

“Well I’m buggered if I’m going to spend my valuable drinking time ringing f@*#ing bells,” said the Captain, Cam Panology. “Can you imagine? Eight of us, nineteen pints to the good, scrambling up the narrow winding steps to the bell tower? Fat chance. Imagine the complaints! And that’s just from the ringers!”

He revealed that he did have a plan in mind, should he be ordered to ring the UK out of existence. “We, the ringers that is, will take our beer up the tower at the start of the evening,” Cam told us. “We are then going to hold a competition to see who can ring the biggest bell best under the influence. My own completely unimpartial judgement will be final!”

The funeral bell will mark not only the passing of our EU membership, but the integrity of the Union itself. “Better off out of the union,” is the Brexit mantra, and Scotland, Northern Ireland and even Wales have heard it. The EU will be in no hurry to deal with whatever remains of the UK, although it is always keen to admit new members.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *