Festival of Brexit to be held in world’s largest walk-in fridge – construction imminent

EAT YOUR HEART OUT CRYSTAL PALACE : £350m will still buy you a lot of public good these days, even with the devaluation of pound sterling caused by people believing exactly the same sum on a f*cking bus in 2016.

And in 2020 £350m will buy you one of the special radiation resistant, alloy panels to be bolted onto the side of the mahoosive walk-in fridge to be built to house the Festival of Brexit.

“The job boom in the town chosen to hold the Festival, Royston Vasey, is going to be something else,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “while some feathers have been ruffled at the rushed nature of the procurement process, we got away with it for the postal votes in the last general election. And yes, the company, Tory Tory Troy Enterprises, awarded the construction project, will be dissolved five minutes after completion. Records burned. Everyone who ever worked for it locked into eternal silence by an NDA.”

The fridge will look familiar too, even with the giant scale, large enough to contain the entirety of England.

“We’ve hacked into the EU and nicked the blueprints for the Chernobyl Containment Shield,” the spokesman said, with an air of pride that was almost luminous, “we don’t want any of those Eurocrats attempting to undermine the fun. Once the Brexit Containment Shield is built no one at all outside the UK will know what we’re up to.”

That’ll chime nicely with no one inside the UK knowing either.

“And the best part of all of this the EU is footing the bill for the shield,” the spokesman added, “not that we can think why. The fools! They won’t be able to experience the Festival of Brexit if they can’t see inside.”

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