TRUMP WILL GO LIKE THE CLAPPERS : BORIS JOHNSON IS WORKING OVERTIME all through January as the deadline for the legal departure of the United Kingdom from the European Union looms on the horizon.
“Boris is drinking 24/7. Bordeaux mostly, with some Louis Latour Cordon champagne in the evenings,” a Downing Street source reveals.
“He is going to need a lot of empty wine crates to make the replica Big Ben in time for transport to Florida. Happily the public are ready to foot the bill for the craft glue and paint. And the RAF are on standby to fly Big Ben 2 to Mar-a-lago. The Atlas jet is fuelled and waiting on the tarmac at Lakenheath as we speak.”
But controversy has immediately engulfed the prime minister’s decision to construct a replica Big Ben to chime on the 31st January, marking the moment the United Kingdom takes its star off the Flag of Europe and sticks it onto the Stars and Stripes.
“Apparently Mr Johnson is choosing the wine himself and has not employed an actual sommelier,” the source admitted, “but if there’s one thing Mr Johnson has experience in, it’s wine. This is a storm in a teacup. Or a bubble in a flute, if you will.”
But shouldn’t the wine be English sparkling wine?
“Ha! That’s just for the plebs. Oh my God! You don’t expect Al to drink that do you? Wow. Listen. Tomorrow the Express is going front page with the story that Mr Johnson is using a pole dancer’s pole internally, to hang the bell on in his replica Elizabeth Tower. Focus on that.”
And who will ring the replica bell?
“Well that’s a sore point in the Conservative Party. Mark Francois is insistent he should do it, but apparently he’s having trouble getting a visa for the USA. Some wrangle over the trade rules to do with import of potatoes. So Mr Trump is going to do it himself. Which is fitting, as it’s the moment he becomes President of the United Kingdom. His handlers just have to educate him over time zone differences so he can strike the right note in time.”
Where will Mr Johnson be?
“Hiding in a walk in fridge on Mustique. Where else?”