WE’RE NOT LETTING YOU EAT CAKE : DOWNING STREET has put the entire United Kingdom in the mood to party today with the announcement that one hundred days of bread and circuses will kick off on the 1st February this year.
“Instead of bread there will be cardboard,” a Downing Street source said, announcing the months of celebrations, “although Emperor Borix is willing to bung a bob into a crowdfunder for actual bread, if anyone is interested?”
And what about the circuses?
“Yes. Rumours have been circulating that the demolition of the Houses of Parliament, fast tracked to begin next week, is to make way for the building of the first amphitheatre in London since Romexit. But that’s fake news. We’re just demolishing the Houses of Parliament because they’ve outlived their usefulness, now we have our majority. The area will be replaced with a giant pit for book burnings.”
So where will the circuses be?
“The front pages of The Express, The Daily Mail and The Telegraph,” the source beamed, “just wall to wall hilarious nonsense and distractions from the actual political machinations day after day. Meghan and Harry think it’s all going to blow over? Ha! Not today. Attenborough wants to witter away about the boiling seas? Who cares! Big Ben isn’t going to bong for Brexit. OMFG!!! Grab your hair and take to the streets screaming, if you please.”
But the focus on what some consider distractions are revealing. In many ways the stories symbolise what a trivial, debased and joke country we’ve become. Our elected representatives taken en masse untroubled by the disregard for the rule of electoral law. The public largely treating the same with a shrug.
“Next you’ll be asking me where is the intelligence report into Russian interference in UK democracy?”
“And whether or not a follow up one is planned regarding the buying of political and cultural influence to achieve Brexit by US billionaires.”
Now that you mention it…
“What you’re telling me is we need to bring back the page three girls in the tabloids.”
In place of reporting on the abandonment of Mr Johnson’s promises?
“ZNikki (the Z is silent), Shaffold, 21, likes astrophysics. Yeah. Get some of it. Don’t worry about the business of governance. You leave that to me. Enjoy the bread and circuses! On the 1st of February you will awake free! You’ll see.”