Boris Johnson considers moving House of Commons to Mustique

Hiving off means hiving off, and so the seat of government could be leaving the Capital. For convenience, the Commons may well end up in the popular seaside resort that is Mustique.

Convenience is the official explanation. “Remoaners are always complaining that Boris Johnson spends too long on holiday and not enough time at work,” explained Downing Street ‘source’ Lou Swimmin. “If his plan comes to fruition, then he will be able to do both. Simultaneously.”

But other considerations are in play.

“Obviously Mustique isn’t yet in England,” admitted Swimmin. “This means that you need a visa to get to work, and we simply won’t grant one to anybody we don’t like.”

It’s clearly a win win situation.

“Even better, Boris Johnson has a big plan in place,” she continued. “Some of the untold riches generated by Brexit will be spaffed – sorry, wrong word – spent – that’s the one! – on a bridge from Mustique directly to Laura Kuenssberg’s office cum Brexiter pamper chamber.”

This will allow the British public to know exactly what Johnson wants you to think.

What is less well known is that Johnson was unusually decisive over the location. The decision only took four weeks.

“The debate has been raging ever since the election victory,” Swimmin admitted. “All sorts of places were discussed. Mar-a-Lago was a favourite for a while, but even the Daily Mail might have realised that there was a connection to Donald Trump, so that was rejected.”

Nambia was rejected for the same reason.

Jacob Rees-Mogg suggested that the Commons move to the 17th century. Mark Francois voted for Butlins. Many people proposed the Sunlit Uplands.

An anonymous person put Brussels forward, but this was rejected for being too silly.

In the end, Johnson was forced to take back control of the situation and use his prime ministerial veto.

It really doesn’t matter, so long as it’s as far removed from democracy as possible.

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