Cheddar Man facing deportation after failing to provide proof of continual residency

HE SHOULD HAVE APPLIED FOR SS : Time and space are no barrier to controlling OUR BOARDERS now that the UK is freeing itself from the SHACKLES OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS.

“To make the point we’re deporting Cheddar Man,” a Home Office hostile environment, face eating lizard told LCD Views, “we are not just stopping at stopping child refugees getting into the country. We mean business. We’re going to boot out anyone who can’t satisfy our simple requirements, alive or dead.”

What Cheddar Man will make of the move to make an example of him wasn’t known, so we popped along to the Natural History Museum to ask.

“This kipper government can’t stand it,” the skeleton appeared to say, “dark skin and blue eyes and the first proper Englishman? Mate. How the hell do you get your average Express reader to comprehend that without some sort of brain implosion? Best just to deposit me back on the other side of the North Sea and never, ever mention it again.”

And removing the inconvenient Cheddar Man won’t be the last in the move to tidy up the UK’s creation myth.

“We will be renaming certain areas of the country to reflect how the modern human story began in Blighty,” a spokesman from the new Ministry for Accurate Geographical Archaeology added to the story, “Yorkshire Dales will become The Rift Valley. Now the whole world will know that humans originated from England and bow before us. And wherever it was that farming was invented in Turkey? Yeah. We’ve a dedicated team looking at changing the name of the place on Wikipedia to Thanet.”

Whether or not there is any resistance to these changes won’t be reported. Actually, if your MP knows you voted against Brexit, you’ll be lucky if you’re even acknowledged.

Cheddar Man should have kept proper records. Retrospective changes to immigration laws to make people who arrived legally illegal humans is the way forward for Brexitannia. The world will see it and love us. These are the works of Global Britain.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *