POLITICAL GASTROENTERITIS: The Conservative Party maybe a little hard up for funds currently but thankfully they’re a party of natural businessmen.
“We’re selling a range of consumables to keep ourselves in funds and in power,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we can rely on offshore media owners to keep manufacturing the consent of the downtrodden, that’s true, so long as offshore tax arrangements remain efficient, but that doesn’t mean we can’t apply a little old fashioned, Conservative will do to the matter.”
To this end the party is selling items for you to buy to keep them in the black.
“Not something we normally want to be! Ha!” The spokesman added, “although to be fair our ability for bigotry does extend to all people misfortunate enough not to be born in England. And you can help us by buying toilet paper. Not just any toilet paper. Boris Johnson, ‘Got Brexit Done’, toilet paper. When you wipe in the mornings think of Boris and feel the pressure ease.”
But while there will be a full range of everyday items for you to buy, one or two obvious consumables will be missing.
“There won’t be any Johnson themed condoms. Who uses the bloody things anyway? Not one of nature’s natural pollinators. Oh, and there won’t be any Johnson themed cleaning products. No need to clean up a mess, just keep moving onwards. But there will be a Johnson guide to fatherhood available soon, but it won’t include any help in numbering your children. Those sort of details only distract. It will include handy tips on how to play hide and seek. Not with your children. But definitely with their mothers. This man is now running the country, can you believe it?”
But what price point will the toilet paper retail at?
“How much money have you got? However much that is. After Brexit, you’ll need it. The toilet paper will be cheap, cheaply made, be careful you don’t put your fingers through it! Got your Brexit done? It’s a daily event. Now you’ve something appropriate to wipe away the evidence of it.”