David Cameron offers to organise referendum on re-unification for Ireland after general election

ONE MAN AND HIS SHED : The man judged responsible by modern historians as the founder of the modern British state (of it), David Cameron, has offered to assist Ireland after its general election this week.

“While some of the results are still to be decided,” the internationally renowned holder of opinion polls said, “it’s clear there’s been a sea change in Irish politics. They could do with an Englishman’s help.”

What form the help would take is obvious.

“As Sinn Fein is clearly now one of the big players in the Republic, everyone in Ireland will need an Englishman’s help in making sense of what it means. I therefore propose to organise a referendum for Ireland. And I’ll do it for a modest fee. Given my extensive experience in this area, having interned in referenda in 2016, it’s only fair to receive a small measure of compensation. The book sales of the sequel to my memoir won’t cover my exercise of expertise.”

The problems Ireland are now facing, having voted weirdly, do also show the potential issues any modern democracy will see arise when you don’t give the contract for organising postal ballots in elections to chums of the governing party. But that’s another entirely speculative story.

But what question will Mr Cameron put to the Irish voters, in order to assist with their new direction?

“Firstly I’ll ask who they are. That’s obvious. Who are the Irish really? Does anyone know? Irexit party got less votes than spoiled ballots, whoever that is, so it’s a puzzle they’ll need help cracking.”

And the subsequent question?

“Well, whether or not they wish to re-unify with the United Kingdom before or after Northern Ireland has re-unified with them, that’s clearly the one to answer next.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *