BY HIS WORKS WILL HE BE KNOWN : DOWNING STREET has confirmed completely fabricated rumours that Admiral Horatio Nelson will be unceremoniously fly tipped into the Thames later this month, and replaced with a statue of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson in Trafalgar Square.
It’s rumoured there were also plans to rename the famous London landmark the column is located in as ‘Brexit Square’, but they have been rowed back as no one in government says Brexit anymore.
The decision to replace the historical figure is part of a revamp of London to make it fit for the Brexitfirst century, but no one calls it that, as Brexit is hardly a word anymore.
“There will also be a raft of new education measures, replacing the boring stuff in school curriculums,” the source continued (to fabricate), “science, biology, math and literature will be entirely replaced by Two World Wars and One World Cup studies, to ensure British children understand their place in today’s world. But additionally units dedicated to Mr Johnson and his DEFEAT OF BRUSSELS will also crowd out anything pointless like RE and PE.”
The ceremony to remove Nelson will be done as fast as possible, with plans being drawn up to catapult the old statue into the River Thames.
“It’ll take all the headlines for days,” the source beams, “we’re also going to increase the height and girth of the column to more Johnsonian measurements and the statue of Mr Johnson will be much larger than the old one of Horatio, as fitting, given their different achievements. Complaints about cost have been dismissed, because we spend your money as we like, that’s the Tory way. Also concerns that an engorged statue will overshadow the British Museum, and all the nerds inside it, have been welcomed.”
It’s not yet certain what materials will be used to construct the Johnson statue, but early reports suggest the feet will definitely be made of clay.