Buses means buses. Boris Johnson’s government has only one use for them: as banners for slogans. And the more expensive the better.
£5bn doesn’t go far when you are buying Routemasters. In fact, it doesn’t even get as far as the terminus, instead it turns around and returns to the depot.
£5bn equates to roughly 15,000 new Big Red Boris Buses, which means there is only space to paint 15,000 Big Fat Lies on the sides.
The Ministry of Truth is hard at work deciding which slogans to deploy. All the old favourites are guaranteed bus space: Easiest Deal In History, Frictionless Trade, and of course They Need Us More Than We Need Them.
Ministry wonks were pondering whether to include Non-Whites Without An Unblemished Record (Including Parking Tickets) Will Be Deported To Jamaica. However it was deemed too truthful, and Britain Is A Welcoming And Inclusive Country was substituted.
At least 100 buses have been earmarked to carry disingenuous bollocks about fishing.
However the suspicion remains that buying buses is Boris’ primary distraction technique. Since he is also building bridges again, there must be something truly ghastly going on under the radar.
Firstly, Michael Gove has resurfaced. These days Gove is only ever released from protective custody to play the pantomime baddie, making some far fetched announcement like the reintroduction of tariffs or customs checks. We can all boo and hiss, because after all it’s only Michael Gove.
Secondly, all the disadvantages of Brexit are being slipped out in a low key manner, while the media deliberately wail about a supposedly lethal virus which has infected approximately six whole people and generally makes you feel a bit poorly for a while.
It is only a matter of time before Jacob Rees-Mogg emerges from his Victorian Gothic novella to pronounce poshly in pig Latin.
So let’s cheer as the lies roll past on the Boris Buses over the Boris Bridge while our rights, jobs and lives are cut from underneath us.