Cabinet reshuffle results in row of turtles on fenceposts

How did they get there? The last cabinet member to climb the greasy fencepost has quit, leaving a row of startled turtles in charge of national affairs.

The country has been sold a pig in a poke and is making a dog’s dinner of it. The horse trading has left us with a tranche of trapped turtles to lead the lemmings off the cliff edge

Some brand new turtles have been placed upon the posts by the crawlin’ howlin’ king snake in the grass, “Classic” Dom Cummings himself. These turtles are neither teenage, mutant or ninja, although they are possibly addicted to pizza as well as certain stronger substances.

The new reptiles on the block include one time hedge fund manager Rishi Sunak. Can Sunak adapt his hedge experience to fences? At least, as a turtle, he should be familiar with the use of shell companies.

Sunak joins more established fence sitters like Liz Truss. She appears to have been superglued to her post since nothing seems to shift her.

Esther McVey and Andrea Leadsom were dislodged, as some of the brickbats thrown their way found their mark.

The serpent seems to have taken back control. The last time a snake was allowed to influence affairs, it persuaded a woman to eat an apple, and we all know how well that turned out.

The elephant in the room is still Brexit, although as use of the word is forbidden. Maybe we should instead say Br*x*t. Is it done, oven ready or half baked? It won’t be over until the fat lady sings, and Boris Johnson putting on one of Jennifer Arcuri’s frocks and yodelling London Bridge Is Falling Down doesn’t count.

The cat is out of the bag. The elephant will bug the UK for donkeys’ years. The rats will leave the stinking ship. And the turtles? They will remain in – or on – post until the cows come home.

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