UK officially losing its Marbles

The world has gone mad. The UK, having collectively lost its marbles, is about to lose its Marbles as well.

The Easiest Deal In History is looking less simple with every passing day. All the grudgingly suppressed ill feeling about the arrogant Brits is coming to the surface, now the UK has left the EU. The only surprise is that, having constantly insulted and complained about the EU, anyone is surprised at all.

Any deal requires give and take. The Greeks, presumably with the rest of the EU giggling behind their hands, are demanding the return of the Elgin Marbles. If not, they say, then you can forget about any trade in olive oil. And you can forget about Popeye, too.

What if other EU countries followed suit? The Italians might threaten to sue the UK for cultural appropriation of pizza, pasta and prosecco unless shops only stock genuine Italian ingredients.

German car manufacturers could hold the UK to ransom by refusing to sell us any more BMWs, Audis and VWs unless we promise to NEVER MENTION THE FUCKING WAR EVER AGAIN.

The French are rumoured to be withholding wine, brie and camembert until every episode of ‘Allo ‘Allo has been wiped.

Spain will happily supply us with oranges and other citrus fruit in exchange for repatriating all the British expats currently living there.

Every EU country with a grudge against the UK now has the perfect excuse to extract retribution. You want to behave like entitled spoilt brats? Go right ahead. Two can play at that game. We’ll soon see who needs who more than who, n’est-ce pas? Schadenfreude ist gut, ja? Capisce?

If the threat against the Marbles proves to be genuine, Crime Minister Boris Johnson has threatened to lock himself inside the British Museum. Having done this, he will lie down on the floor in front of them to prevent their removal. The security guards will attempt to apprehend him, whereupon Boris will hide in the nearest fridge and refuse to come out until Dominic Cummings arrives to rescue him.

This is Brexit Britain. The country has lost its marbles.

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