Home Office orders every opera to be replaced by Land of Hope and Glory

Down with this sort of thing! The Send ‘Em Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has ordered that all European opera will be replaced by the Last Night of the Proms after Brexit is finally done.

The ban extends to all music and arts in the UK. There will be a bhangra ban, a Hindi hoodoo, and any attempts by right-on hippy types to screen foreign language films will be subjected to police raids.

“We want a monocultural, monolingual country,” Patel announced to a standing ovation. “Restricting opera to repeated performances of Land of Hope and Glory will reinforce this!” she exclaimed, in the strident manner of Margaret Thatcher. Again rapturous applause. “To accept opera in a foreign language is to undermine the very essence of what it is to be British. There is no alternative!” Excited, deafening clamour.

At this point, Patel had became almost godlike in her audience’s eyes. She could have said anything and they would have cheered – take the first three rows out and shoot them, socialism is the way forward, The Birdie Song is the greatest song ever written – anything. So they missed the irony of her exiting the stage to Wagner.

Outside the arena, the one dissenting voice in the crowd (LCD Views’ Fat Lady correspondent) tried to bring individuals down to earth.

Here, listen to a bit of this, tell us what you really think.

“It sounds like some bird shrieking in pain,” remarked Boyle McGammon. “Why? What is it?”

We showed him the score.

“Oo’s it by? Oh, Wolf Gang Amadeus Mozzart. Oo’s ‘e when ‘e’s at ‘ome then?” he asked, not unreasonably..

Did you ever watch Amadeus?

“Oh, the foreign geezer ‘oo didn’t like the other foreign geezer,” he said. “Yeah, it was a heap of old crap if you ask me. What’s this tune called anyway?”

Again, we showed him the score.

“Die Zauberflöte? What the actual f#ck?” he exclaimed. “Who is Zorba-erm-thingy and why does he have to die? Why can’t they just write about a magic flute, or something? European crap! Priti is right. This is why we had to leave!”

Land of hope and glory! Mother of the free! Dum dum da-da-da daa daa, erm, something about, erm, God and being mighty. Erm… Land of hope and glory…

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