DIY PENSIONS : THE HOME OFFICE seems never out of the news cycle these days. If it’s not the Windrush Scandal, it’s the treatment of millions of EU27 citizens (who naively thought settling in the UK under one legal system wouldn’t see their lives upturned by retrospective immigration law changes), and now it’s accusations of bullying by Priti ‘knuckles’ Patel. But mercifully the DWP is here to help.
And the help is coming in the form of changes to how pensions are paid to Britons as we regain our edible sovereignty, clench our blue passports tight and wave our upside down, plastic Union Jack flags.
“From 2021 all pensions in the UK will be paid in fallen fruit,” the DWP Secretary, Whoever ’tis Today MP, told a packed press conference, alongside a cheerful looking colleague from the Environment Agency.
“And this positive change will alleviate any strain orchard growers in the UK will feel as we sever their relationship to economically viable sources of labour from across the Channel.”
The neat twinning of needs will see pensioners ferried about the apple and pear orchards of GLOBAL BRITAIN and picking that fruit, so it doesn’t rot, and the farms stay in business.
“Any fruit that has already fallen will be available for collection by patriotic, working pensioners (up to a stipulated bag limit) and consumed in whatever way they see fit as a pension. Once this trial has been deemed a success it will be expanded across the payment of all benefits (that economically inactive Britons currently drain out of the state). Funds that would be much better paid to the owners of companies receiving contracts as a result of the outsourcing of all remaining public services.”
The only snag in the plan appears to be at what distance from the ground does a falling apple become a pension apple? And will pensioners collecting an airborne apple that has only just left a branch, perhaps in a sudden gust of wind, be charged with theft?
“Such minor details will be worked out in the trial period.” Never mind.
And people say this government doesn’t have a plan. Oh it does. It just doesn’t want to show us.