Matt Hancock to train 40,000 new nurses as trade negotiators

File Under ‘Irritable Duncan Syndrome’ : Brexit Britain is going to need to see nurse a lot and it’s going to need a lot of nurses on the front line, happily Matt Hancock has the solution (all the time).

“It wasn’t easy to swallow my hypocrisy,” the UK’s health boss told a scantily clad press conference earlier today, “having invoked the war dead in the service of my leadership ambitions, I then had to do a regulation about face when it was clear it wasn’t my time to lead the Conservative Party, but Dominic Cummings’.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/aug/31/matt-hancock-rows-back-from-views-on-suspending-parliament

“I almost needed a nurse, until I realised my elevated pulse and temperature was just a mild dose of hypo-crisis. Once I accepted that prorogation of parliament, unlawful as it turned out, would please those boys who died on those beaches, the symptoms receded, much like my conscience.”

So far, so good, but what’s this got to do with trade negotiations?

“I like finding solutions. Optum, that giant US private health insurer, some say they could be a solution to future NHS funding, but I couldn’t possibly comment. To sell out the NHS to US private health interests would be to go against everything those men died on those beaches for. I’ll probably say that. We will have to wait and see when I’m not an entirely imagined Matt, like now, but the Matt of the future.”

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/health-firm-handed-7million-help-21556330

There’s absolutely no risk to the NHS by allowing a US private health company to assess the risk categories of patients. It’s not like it’s part of some long term plan to raid the equity of Brits over 55, even though US interests have allegedly identified private home ownership of the over 55’s as the UK’s biggest asset store. Imagine if people needed to sell their homes to pay for health care? Like they sometimes do in the US…imagine if the party of government had many MPs with links to US health insurers?

“And now I see IDS has a problem that needs a solution,” Matt wandered on, “well I have the solution. Iain says we don’t have sufficient skill at trade negotiation. That we need to call in the experts. That now the brain dead, empire fetishising Brexit MPs have shoved through their project thanks to industrial scale psychological manipulation of a vulnerable electorate, and a certain amount of disregarded electoral crime, that it’s time to get the people who said ‘Don’t do it!’ back in house to carry the project forward. Who better to blame? Ha! Well I say stop. Stop right there. Why waste valuable public resources when I’m already working on the fix.”

Which is?

“There’s no need to hire expensive trade negotiators. I’ll just train those 40,000 new nurses in trade negotiation. It’s not like it’s brain surgery. Which is exactly what I’m also proposing to train them to do. The doctor will see you now? No. Nurse will. She charges less.”

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