Royal Navy to conscript British fish to patrol British waters

Trout means trout! Those EU John Dory foreigners have had their chips. British fish are being recruited and trained to protect Britain’s fishing territories.

Heading up this initiative is MP Marcus Fysh. There are good reasons for choosing Marcus. Firstly, he is sufficiently Brexity. Secondly, and more importantly, his name is Fysh.

This is one in the birds eye for Brussels. The new aquatic troops will be led by highly trained Navy seals. For Cod, Queen and country, and we will give Europe the middle fish finger.

Our former allies may carp all they like, (hali)but the truth is that they are floundering. They have been stitched up like a kipper.

Secrecy is paramount. Mackerel and minnows alike are being given blue passports and trained to use Eton rifles. It’s an undercover, indeed underwater operation. And if anyone asks? Don’t tell ’em, pike!

While we have a whale of a time, experts have noticed a few problems. Firstly, fish tend to drink like a fish and spend all their lives being completely legless. Then the firearms will get wet and won’t work. Also fish are not known for being a dab hand with a rifle. Believe in Britain, we are told. Experts, experts! Stop pouring cold water on our fishy schemes!

All fish spawned within the 200 mile exclusion zone are henceforth defined to be British. Does this include fish from the continent, which is after all less than 200 miles from the Great British coast? Or is this a Poisson d’Avril?

For some reason, the humble Scottish Sturgeon has been excluded from consideration.

There is a porpoise to all this, of course. British fish will batter the foreign ones into submission and yesterday’s newspaper. British fish never, never, never will be supper.

We will sit on our lofty perch, and sing a patriotic tuna or two. Just to make sure the crabby foreigners know their plaice.

Global Britain has a simple message for the EU: so long, and thanks for all the fish.

Quite honestly, it all sounds like a load of pollocks.

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