Boris Johnson to advise Britons not to catch Coronavirus

THE SEER OF DOWNING STREET : LCD Views can swallow back our bile and distaste at the cackhandled handling of the Covid-19 crisis by Downing Street, stop wondering for a moment how this incompetent shower is still the government, and report the latest change in strategy.

“Clearly the screeching policy u turns will grow louder throughout this week,” a Downing Street spokesman, Mr De’ath, told LCD Views, “as actual science followed by the actual world gets a surprising foothold on policy.”

So far so good.

“And today, in spite of a continuing reluctance to close schools and order mass gathering venues closed (nod’s as good as a wink to the insurance industry?), we your government, and your shite Churchill impersonation act, are advising you NOT to catch Covid-19.”

The new advice is a reversal of last week’s advice which was to catch it, if you can.

“Clearly we’re very sorry for any confusion caused by the media reporting what we’ve previously said, as if we previously said it.”

But how do they explain the gobsmacking errors in modelling used to produce the previous, potentially fatal for many, advice?

“It’s perfectly understandable,” Mr De’ath explained, “Mr Johnson can only understand models that are blonde and wrapped around pole dancing poles. Actual math ones? Modelling like, um, progress of a pandemic that anyone with a basic grasp of math and social behaviour worked out weeks before us, looking at countries first in the firing line and their approaches, and the likely spread and extreme fatality rate with a do little approach that is the clear outcome of the model? And the obvious unpreparedness of the NHS and social sector to cope after a decade of private profiteering and austerity? Adding in Brexit driving away masses of EU medics? Yeah. He doesn’t stand a chance.”

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