Government advises Brits to mark themselves safe on Facebook in lieu of Coronavirus testing

Safety first! The new virus advice that’s going viral is self diagnosis followed by announcing the result on social media.

This appeal to the traditional British blitz spirit is the most homemade policy yet. All the loyal patriotic people have to do is answer a short series of questions, which are even simpler than the citizenship test.

First, do you feel ill? Secondly, if so, are you just a bit peaky or proper poorly? Finally, if the latter, do you have an irrational desire to bulk buy toilet roll?

Anyone capable of completing the quiz and answering “yes” to the final question is required to mark themselves “safe” on Facebook.

This move is designed to placate the public and save untold amounts of public money. This slush fund thus remains available for Tory MPs and their cronies to plunder as they wish.

Hidden deep in the small print attached to an emergency compulsory Facebook update is the following statement. “By marking yourself safe from coronavirus, this negates the validity of any future claim to have contracted the disease, so don’t expect either sympathy or treatment, suckers!”

In this way, the government has, at a stroke, relieved itself of any responsibility. This means it can return to its core business of selling arms to dodgy characters in the Middle East, then bombing them anyway.

Will self declaration be effective? “It’s no worse as a strategy than, say, purchasing tonnes of pasta,” quacked Dr Penny Sillyn. “Cheaper, too. And think of the placebo effect! It’s mind over matter. Believe yourself better!”

Comprehensive investigation, in other words spending more than five minutes on Google, revealed that Dr Sillyn was a false name, and that she was not even a real doctor. In fact she seemed to be married to, related to, or shagging many of the shady political influencers domiciled in Tufton Street. So absolutely no conflict of interest there.

LCD Views, equally medically qualified, advises stockpiling wine and self medicating. We cannot take responsibility for any hangovers which may result. Oh, and mark yourself safe while you’re at it.

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