Downing Street gives contract to make 10,000 hoovers to British ventilator manufacturer

REINVENTING THE WHEEL AFTER THE ROAD RACE HAS STARTED : DOWNING STREET IS thrilled to announce today that it has settled on which tax exiled billionaire, Brexit supporting businessman to build ventilators.

“After following the findings of the 2016 study into our country’s preparedness to meet a pandemic crisis with a respiratory illness, and ignoring those findings, we have now decided to give a giant contract to make ventilators to a guy that makes vacuum cleaners,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “the chap also makes hand dryers that blast microbes into the faces of users. He’s the perfect fit.”

But while no one should mistake our intent, and we are bloody happy there’s to be more ventilators, regardless of source, as lives will be saved, why an actual British ventilator manufacturer wasn’t asked to mass supply earlier is ticklish.

“Well, they can now make vacuum cleaners and hand dryers,” the 10 Downing Street source shrugged, “design them from scratch like old Dyson. Genius. And given our complete and total mishandling of the Covid-19 crisis, we’re going to have a bloody great big clean up to do afterwards. In fact, the biggest demand will be for brooms and rugs. A lot will have to be swept under a lot of rugs.”

It is hoped that the Dyson brand ventilators won’t need to be hung on a wall to recharge midway through the job.

“At least you can be sure that these are patriotic ventilators made by a British patriot offshoring in Singapore,” the source added, “and not some dodgy continental job, the like of which may have been available if we’d accepted the EU invitation for involvement in their continent wide procurement process.”

Stick a Union Jack on it and breathe in and then breathe out. Let’s just hope Dyson’s redesigned wheel doesn’t suck and is delivered ahead of time.

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