Government rejects WHO advice to treat covid-19 with a sonic screwdriver

Trust me, I’m a doctor: unless you are a government which prides itself on ignoring experts. Especially since this particular Doctor saves the world single handedly every week armed with nothing more than a sonic screwdriver.

There are several factors behind the rejection, apart from a reluctance to take advice from people cleverer than themselves. First, the Doctor isn’t English, despite the accent and the eccentricity. Then there’s the fact of having two hearts, which is two more than the government generally likes their advisors to have. And of course the Doctor is currently a black woman.

“We aren’t racist, but we can’t afford to piss off Daily Mail readers,” explained a government ‘source’ in a shifty manner. “They are the lifeblood of our popular support, and that democracy is the second most important factor in this pandemic.”

The most important being that the population needs to be kept safe and has access to top quality health care.

“No, keeping the economy on its feet is our number one priority,” said the source. “You know what it looks like when some alien ‘expert’ flies in, steps out of a shabby blue box and solves everything with some well chosen words and a few buzzes of a sonic screwdriver?”

You should be grateful. Somebody cares enough to save the people from themselves.

“It makes us look weak and incompetent,” insisted the source. “This Doctor – who has no qualifications recognised by English hospitals – uses unproven equipment and doesn’t follow procedure. Has anyone ever seen the Doctor washing her hands?”

Well no, it doesn’t make good, fast moving television, does it? But that’s not the point. The Doctor gets results every time. We could learn a lot from her.

“She talks like a socialist, always going on about how brilliant people can be,” grumbled the source. “And socialism is wrong, even when it’s right!”

It’s a position to die for.

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